loserkidrantsaboutlifelikewhoa

I'm That Guy

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 04:55:14 GMT

Dear Eljay,

I was thinking earlier and I came to a sad realization- I've totally become that friend you have who only calls you to complain about how shitty their life is. I'm sorry about that- how totally rude of me! That's changing, starting right now.

Saturday was amazing- work went by quick and I finally ate at Maggiano's [PS- shit was delicious]. I came home and decided to go to a bar alone, since no one was around and I didn't feel like wasting a perfectly good Saturday night at home. I hit up Sharky's, and it was pretty random, but somewhere between the football game, the jukebox, and the bud drafts, I got it in my head to go to the city. I came home, got on the horn with nico and decided to head in for some booty-shaking good times.

Not for nothing, but going out alone has it's perks- I was my own wingman, basically. I started out at Latitude [which, by the way, has totally become the jumpoff spot], but didn't want to spend my entire night there. After chatting up the bartender real quick, I found out I wasn't too far from a bumping gay club. I hoofed it over and, dude- amazing time. The bar was jam packed, but the music was cool and I actually ended up meeting some pretty cool brit expats. There were maybe 8 of them total, guys and girls, and the original plan was to hit up a diner and go home. One of the guys convinced me to ditch the group to go back to his place. I woke up this morning and...well, let's just say the AnF tshirt I got that says "awkward mornings beat lonely nights" ain't just a fucking catchphrase anymore, haha.

I basically didn't do much of anything today besides chill at home and recoup- and chat with nico for a few hours. We basically planned out Part2 for next weekend, so I'm sure the good times are gonna keep on rolling. 2008 has gotten off to a pretty kickass start so far- and somehow, I just see things going up.

I'm gonna watch some tv and hit the sack for now, but I meant what I said about trying not to be That Guy anymore. Sorry, Eljay- I was being a real tool, and I'm definately gonna try my best to work on that for the new year. Are we good again? Awesome. Talk to ya soon, bro

-mattison.

new and [not really] improved

Sun, 04 Nov 2007 07:20:12 GMT

It's definitely been a long time since I last wrote here and to be honest...I haven't really missed it. Granted, there's something oddly therapeutic about putting your innermost thoughts out there for anyone to read under the guise of being just another anonymous whining asshole on the internet but, really- it's not anonymous. I think that's what really made the whole thing lose it's appeal. This is not anonymous. The simple act of reading through this mess of egotistical rantings and ravings gives you a basic idea of who I am- right or wrong. It's sort of perverse and more than a little creepy to think about. I'm going to try to ignore it. I need...well, I truthfully don't know what I need right now. I'm sure it's a lot more than a fucking public diary but this is pretty much all I have now, so it'll have to do. I guess you could call this the rebirth. It's a new version of the same shit I've been doing for whoknowshowlong. Don't call it "improved" though- just wait, before you draw any conclusions.

So. Back to the issue at hand. Why the sudden interest in rekindling this journal? Well, kids, I think I'm losing it. Literally. I'll give you a few minutes to let that sink in.

... . . .. . .. .. ... ... ..... . . .... . .. ... ... . .. .... . . ..

I know this isn't exactly a revelation for me, but I'm an alcoholic [see? I told you this wasn't a new, improved journal. you have my full permission to stop reading now- it ain't gonna get much better, buddy. -ed]. This month- hell, the past few months- have been one horribly dismal blackout after the other, reaching a crescendo the other night when, hopelessly wasted and typically unconscious, I drove drunk and totaled a car. My mother's car. You know, the one she got to replace the car she totaled a couple years back? Yeah- that one.

I would give you a few minutes to let that one sink in, but I'm pretty sure I'd lose half my target audience.

So, yeah. Somewhere between being told what happened the night before and standing in court pleading not guilty, while holding four tickets in a sweaty hand, I realized that this moment was long brewing. You could call it a moment of clarity, if you're the type to use those asinine sort of expressions. I basically realized that if I don't cut the shit and lay off the sauce, if not forever than at the very least for a hot motherfucking minute, I'll be dead and buried by the time I'm 25.

I assure you, this is not a particularly comforting thought, considering I just turned 23 this summer.

What the hell do I do now? I mean, at this point, what's left? I guess I could suck it up and go to rehab. I could start attending AA. I could join an internet support group, and email a faceless i-net sponsor on those long, bitter winter nights coming up where I'm most likely going to want to drown myself in a bottle of vodka. But really, I probably won't do any of that shit. The truth is, after fucking up so grandly and so fantastically, I think I've finally forever purged myself of the urge to ever get bombed like that again.

I'm not gonna lie- usually, even after a really bad blackout, it doesn't take more than a day for me to start wondering when it would be appropriate to drink again. I don't see that happening this time. My mom isn't mad at me [which isn't strange considering she's a fucking boozehound herself], but that almost makes me feel worse. My dad is basically reaching new levels of orgasmic self-righteousness, which actually doesn't make me feel bad at all. I wasn't arrested. I have a shitload of fines and tickets and penalties to look forward to in a few weeks. My aunt is probably going to put on her strap-on and skull fuck me when she hears about all this and gets the honor of giving me back my pba card and id card. My brother is frantically waiting for me to call him back so he can lecture me about irresponsibility or whatever, which in other circumstances would be laughable. Hell, even in these circumstances, that shit is laughable. I have to laugh or I'll go [even more] insane.

I dunno...I guess what I'm trying to say is, life- if you're even listening- I hear you. I FUCKING HEAR YOU. I really do. Your lesson? I got it, loud and clear. Sorry I had to get it the hard way. Believe me, I'm sorry about that shit. But I finally get it.

My name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic. And, for once...for possibly the first time ever...I'm actually concerned enough to do something about it. I'm listening. And I get it. And I'm gonna try really hard to get my act together. 'Cause, shit, if it took five years, countless blackouts, and hitting a series of parked cars to get the lesson this time, I'd hate to see what the next fucking lesson is gonna look like. That'll be the type of Wile E Coyote shit I won't be able to walk away from and tell you anonymous fucks about.

Trust me, my lesson is learned. Let's see what happens now.

"not to be self-absorbed, but..."

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 08:31:39 GMT

90 Questions...

90. First off, what is your name?
-mattison
89. What did you do last night?
-got home from the city, ate an obscene amount of chinese food, watched some tv, passed out.
88. Do you have a same sex best friend that you can talk to 24/7?
-as far as same sex, alvin's a good listener but with a head/ears that big, it's not hard to believe =)
87. Do you have any siblings?
-twisted sister & big bro
86. Where are you exactly?
-in bed, wrapped in my favorite comforter
85. Favorite color?
-pink/red/black
84. What does the 7th message in your [cell] text inbox say?
-"SUMMER DONNA" hahaha
83. Who sits besides you in math?
-I'm actually done with school, for now...
82. Who sits to the left?
-see ^
81. Where is your dad right now?
-sleeping
80. Do you have any kids?
-hell to the no
79. Who is the 5th person you got a missed call from?
-nicole
78. Closest black object?
-my sweater
77. Closest silver object?
-remote
76. Have you ever jumped a fence for any reason?
-uhm...I can't say that I have
75. Do you sing in the shower?
-pretty much every time
74. Do you own any pets?
-phoenix the cat
73. How does your hair look right now?
-buzzed, black
72. Last time you listened to country music?
-probably in nicole's car
70. If you could kill someone, who would it be?
-no one at the moment
69. What are your fears?
-the dark, death, failure, rejection, etc...
68. What do you hear right now??
-someone on Masters Of Horror drowning. Add that to my list of fears..
67. How many drugs are in ur system right now
-none, but blue koolade is practically crack
65. What are you wearing?
-sweatpants, a thermal, tshirt, sweater, socks- it's mothafucking cold!
64. Who was the last person to comment you?
-alvin*
63. Do you sing?
-when I start my band, I'm gonna be the lead singer =)
62. Screamo or Country?
-screamo all the way
61. Rock or Rap?
-depends on who/what and my mood
60. Chocolate or vanilla?
-choco ice cream/vanilla cake
59. Who did you last call?
-melissa
58. Who last called you?
-same
57. What jewlery do you wear daily?
-body jewelry- barbell & plugs in my ears, nose stud, lip ring, barbell in my left nip
56. What are you doing now?
-watching a dude attack some broad with a ship anchor on Masters Of Horror and playing email tag
55. Who was the last person you said I love you to?
-mom
54. Would you die for someone?
-yeah...
53. If so, then who?
-some family/friends
52. Are you cold right now?
-my hands are a bit, but I'm otherwise okay
51. What do you smell right now?
-cologne on my sweater- a mix of viktor&rolf antidote and l'artisan
50. Do you have to pee right now?
-just went
49. What did you dream about last night?
-i just got up from a nap- I know I had really weird dreams, but I can't really remember them anymore
48. What are you doing tomorrow?
-work/ wL homework/ reading
47. If an ex asked you back out, what would you say?
-no- none of them are worth dating again
44. Bedsheet color?
-white flannel w/lil scottie dogs all over. Shut up, okay?
42. Carpet or wood in your room?
-carpet
41. Bad rumor about yourself that you've heard?
-where do we begin? lol...
40. Do u have makeup on right now?
-nope
38. Can you do a cartwheel?
-yessss, and it's been too long
37.What's your favorite candle scent?
-i like blacktea & berries and iced tea from slatkin
36. Ever gone a whole day without eating?
-yeah, usually 'cause I forget to eat or I'm sick
35. America or Canada?
-Team America
34. What makes you mad?
-rant: STOP FUCKING MENTIONING VALENTINE'S DAY TO ME! I DON'T have any plans, I'm NOT doing anything special, and I *REALLY* don't give a give a fuck what you're doing either.
33. What if you found out you were adopted?
-mostly, I'd be sad but I'd definately be relieved I don't actually share a genepool with some of these motherfuckers
32. Jeans or Sweatpants?
-jeans usually, but it's. fucking. cold. So, yeah- sweats
29. Do you have socks on?
-yeah, sure do
28. Do you own any big sunglasses?
-i do, but I never remember to actually wear them
27. Have you ever cried so hard you puked?
-no, but I've definately puked so hard I've cried
23. Have you recently talked to an ex?
-why bother? "I don't love you anymore- goodbye..."
22. Person who posted this before you?
-cat with a "c" =)
19. Favorite TV show?
-I'm not even gonna lie- I watch a lot of tv. Even if I'm reading, I have the tv on and muted. It's sick, I know.
18. Do you like 80s movies?
-yessss! I was/kinda still am unabashedly in love with jake ryan, the coreys, drop dead fred, half of the goonies, and molly ringwald...
16. Last two numbers in your cell phone number?
-22, like my age
15. What kinda music do you like?
-anything with a block rockin' beat and/or kick ass lyrics
14. Are you happy?
-I'm warm right now, so I guess that's close enough
13. Best city you've visited?
-baltimore was cool- ditto DC
12. Been to London?
-i wish
10. Favorite subject at school?
-i was always an art/english nerd
9. Been to college?
-not yet
7. Favorite time of day?
-nighttime, for sure
6. Ever Licked someones cheek?
-haha, yes
5. Watch all spiderman movies?
-I've actually never seen any of 'em
3. What are you looking forward to?
-warm weather...sigh...
2. Ever gotten lost in the dark?
-i *hate* the dark unless I'm with someone else or walking around my own house [and even that's debateable sometimes]
1. Do you snore/talk/walk in your sleep?
-i snore. Loudly. I'm sorry. On the plus side, if you're listening to me snore we're sleeping together- it's a fair tradeoff, I think

it gets so real sometimes...

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 00:49:24 GMT

Been awhile- yes, I know what a lazy fuck I am. Honestly, though, not much has been going on. Today was good, so let's start there, shall we?

For starters, I'm on the bus. I went into the city to hang out with Nico. The original plan was to meet up & do some wL stuff at the library. Sounds straight-forward enough, right? Well, the library was closed. PlanB was to hit up the Met- also closed. We contemplated going to visit Chris at work but we couldn't actually find it, so we ended up wandering around for awhile looking for a good place to get down to business. We ended up at this place called Latitude, which actually ended up being a really awesome find. Picture a huge restaurant/bar with three floors and a row of booths in the back. We settled in and proceeded to get down to business. Plans are still hush-hush, but I'll say this much- it's coming along. Let's not jinx it, alright? More as it develops...

I've been hanging out with Courtney quite a bit lately as an invisible witness to the saga that is her love life. I say "invisible" because, as much as they like an audience, when they really get into it her and John are basically in their own realm. It's sort of like propaganda for the anti-love/anti-relationship movement. Call me crazy, but it makes me view my own dismal prospects with a little bit of appreciation- as bad as mine have been, they've never gotten quite as intense.

I've also been chillin' with Nicole more and more of late. Our exploits basically consist of stuffing our fat asses to capacity, burning off the calories by laughing til we cry, and rocking out. Couldn't be more perfect, if you ask me.

Backtrack a bit- I went into the city last night with Alvin to help him scope a place to throw T's birthday dinner. He ended up giving me this absolutely *gorgeous* brown trench-style coat from CM 'cause he felt like it didn't fit him right. It's not the sort of thing I would never think to try on, much less buy, but it's the perfect replacement for my old brown motojacket. I'm a happy camper, ladies and gents. The evening was highlighted by debauchery, offensiveness, and general hilarity- good fuckin' times, I tell you.

Basically, everything lately's been fairly calm. The whole on-the-wagon thing has been...different. I mean, granted, I'm glad I'm doing it but I guess I didn't realize what a large role alcohol played in my day-to-day. I've basically managed to stay on target by smoking and eating everything. Eight more days to a month, if I can take a moment to be self-congratulatory.

Anyway, that's it- hanging out, working, wL, the goof troop, food. Welcome to my world...

Nothing Left- It's All Gone

Thu, 04 Jan 2007 09:13:27 GMT

It's late. I'm tired. No better time for an eljay update, right? Good...

I wonder what exactly about night makes it easier to forget anything good really exists in the world. I guess it's the darkness- I'm convinced nothing good comes outta the dark. Call it fear, or whatever, but it's true. Sure, there's full moons and stars and, eventually, sunrises, but what else? No, nighttime only exists to remind anyone unfortunate enough to be awake that yes, the world does in fact suck. Yes, you are completely alone. Yes, your thoughts are going to gang up on you. Yes, they will eventually suffocate you.

No, you don't stand a chance.

Or maybe that's just how I feel when it's almost four and I'm still wide awake in bed watching shit that's rotting my brain on tv.

Not that daytime is any better. Most of what happens during the day is just filler- background noise designed to distract you from what's really going on, and worse yet, what's going to take over when the lights go out and every other normal slob is passed out dreaming about friends and family and lovers and blowjobs.

Even my dreams aren't as good as they used to be. I can't remember the last dream I woke up from smiling. Fuck- I can't even remember the last dream I had that didn't confuse, drain, or make me cringe.

I'm actually almost tired enough to sleep, but I can't help but wonder what sort of crazy bullshit my overtired mind is gonna cook up tonight. I've really been trying to control my dreams lately- willing myself to dream about something mindless and entertaining. You know, more filler. More background noise. Maybe even a good old fashioned wake-up-with-a-boner wet dream.

Fuck...well, here's hoping for a good one.

Maybe Not...

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 23:39:24 GMT

...and that's all I'm gonna say about that.

Ever get the feeling things can't possibly get any worse...then they actually do? Ever reach a point where you finally stop giving a fuck and worrying and being pissed and wondering what to do next and just...breathe?

Yes? No? Well, fuck it- I have.

And that's all I'm gonna say about that.

It's a new year. Fasten your seatbelts.

Maybe This Year Will Be Better Than The Last

Sat, 30 Dec 2006 07:36:41 GMT

It's almost NYE. I have no plans, no money, and after hitting up the Loop tonight to see one good and two horrible bands, I think I'm getting sick again...again, I say.

For fuck's sake, just the thought of 2007 is wearing me down.

Just so you kiddies don't get the wrong idea, though, some stuff has been pretty sweet lately. Work's been good, the holidays are almost over, and...well...hmm, I can't think of anything else.

C'mon now, I said some shit was going good. Let's not get our hopes too high- after all, this is still me we're talking about.

...... .. . .... .. ..... .. . . .. . ..... .. ... ......

Okay, I mulled stuff over for a minute and realized the best thing that's happened around here in a long while is going on right now...yes, right now- I'm laying in bed writing [and eventually, posting] this on my new Sidekick. Kickass. Have a Happy Motherfucking New Year, everyone...

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 13:45:06 GMT

ugh...i dunno what time i ended up passing out last night, but i definately woke up at 9am today. as i rolled over and noticed two unopened bags of chips right next to my pillow, i had time to quickly recap last night...this entry is going to be a quickie, mostly because i can't fucking believe i'm awawke so early after being so ripped last night.

[1] no. i. didn't. buy so many fucking snackfoods last night.
[2] no. i. didn't. have an entire argument with chris over the merits of "but i'm a cheerleader" vs "brokeback mountain".
[3] NO. I. DIDN'T. suggest a threesome w/ cody.

we're not even gonna talk about last night's dreams...and in case anyone's wondering, drinking a jug of sangria with a molsen xxx chaser is probably a bad idea.

you know, if you consider pulsating headaches and complete embarassment a "bad idea". ughhhh...i'm outl. lata.

independence day ain't just a nifty movie, y'know...

Tue, 04 Jul 2006 16:27:39 GMT

well, obviously i'm the lamest person ever- i confess to being ubergay and LOVING the new madonna video. yeah, that's right- i saw the ad on myspace and might have actually squealed. i just can't help it- get together is my favorite song on that cd. i possibly for sure made victor listen to it on repeat throughout the course of our relationship...further thought leads me to consider it a factor in our breakup. c'est la vie.

so, today's the 4th. happy birthday, america...or something like that. i basically enjoy it because [a] fireworks rock my cock; [b] free food/bbq rocks my fat ass; and, most importantly, [c] it signals the countdown to my birthday. i've decided to redo 21 this year. trust me, it's okay. i'm going to try real hard not to get shitty drunk like i did last year, and maybe i'll actually walk away from it all with more than a vague recollection of the evening. speaking of, i found the one thing i really really want- prepare for more lameness.... PS- i'm a size small =)

.. .. .. . . ...... . .... .. . ... ... . . . ... . .

in other news, i hung out with daniela friday and her school crew saturday and sunday. great times, all around. allow me to 'splain-

friday, i pretty much hung out at home for most of the morning, then mike called and wanted to go smoke. last week, i found out my mom committed at least two major felonies- mail tampering and check forgery- and cashed my jury duty check from back in may. now, that might not have been so bad had she [a] given me the money, or [b] mentioned it to me at some point. long story short, i've basically been harassing the shit outta the lady in charge of jury info for the past month and a half over a check i thought they never bothered to send. i was telling my mom about it when she got that strange, guilty look on her face. needless to say, bitch jacked my shit and didn't even have the decency to let me know. anyway, she promised to give some back on friday, so i decided not to black out on her. mike called and wanted to chill out & smoke, and obviously i was down. we ended up heading into p-town to the office my mom does some sidework in to pick up money, and from there we smoked ourselves silly. daniela called me later on wanting to hang out, so i went over- high as a kite, mind you- and baked with her and her mom. you heard that right. i ended up passing out around 11, but not after helping her make brownies and these deliciously delicious pecan cookies. well...more accurately, i supervised while *she* made the cookies, then i staked out her couch and fell asleep. a good night, if you ask me.

so, saturday, daniela's friends from umbc [christine&john] came on down to dirty jersey and D wanted me to swing by her place for some backyard drinking antics. chris had mentioned something about getting together to go clubbing, since he had sunday off, so i was kinda torn. luckily, D and the gang wanted to hit up the city anyway, so i went by and the shit show began. around 10:30 or 11, the plans with chris fell thru, so i ended up hopping a bus w/ daniela, john, and christine for some good old fashioned saturday night city drinking.

sidebar- i was really adamant about not taking one of those mexican jitnies, mostly because i've had bad experiences on them and didn't relish the thought of being sardine-packed into one for an hour and a half on rt3. well, just because the universe has a hardon for me, some crazy guy flipped out and ended up being escorted off the bus by the police the minute we got outta the tunnel. mind you, i was assed out asleep in the first seat right behind the driver, but fear not- the crazy guy decided to plop down next to me while he rambled on and on about not feeling well. honestly, the only thing that woke me up was his grand exit, with him threatening to "fuck the driver up" if he didn't stop the bus, and then hearing the driver stick his head outta the window to get the attention of two officers parked right outside the tunnel. yeah...

anyway, we basically walked the earth that night- we went from port authority to the village and back again at the end of the night. the evening's barhopping was mostly dictated by who had to piss and which bar was closest and looked like the most fun. wondrous fun! we even stopped into a tacky little gay bar, mostly because i looked inside, hesistated, and some boy came up to us and was like "come in, it's fun". said boy wasn't that cute, but we all figured "hey- what the hell?". the evening was capped off by two food stops- white castle, 'cause john had a hankering for some slyders, and gray's papaya, 'cause the recession special makes me happy. obviously, i ate at both places...within two seconds...yeah, they were right next door. i walked my fat ass outta white castle munchin a burger and a chicken ring sandwich and proceeded right into gray's where i got a special, plus one. ugh...we took the jitnie home, got there safely around 4, and called it a night.

sunday started off pretty rough- in case you're not aware, an afternoon/night of heavy drinking + white castle + gray's papaya = atom bomb in my stomach. after a couple horrible hours which i won't go into detail, suffice to say i basically wanted to strap a toilet to my ass and die, i managed to get myself together enough for d's backyard graduation party. more good times- j&c, daniela, pat, me, raya, ash, lauren, and this girl D went to italy with [plus her bf] all had a grand time bbq'n and drinking rediculous margaritas. good food/drinks/people/times makes matt a happy boy.

yesterday was pretty tame- just hung out at home minding my own. duke and shannon wanted me to stop in at the cottage, but i wasn't really feeling it. i suppose chasing half a pizza with a liter of coke and a chocolate milkshake can do that sorta thing to you.

my dad had a parade today, so i woke up and went to get cigarettes with him around 7 this morning. as is the habit these days, i haven't been back to sleep yet, so at this point, i probably won't nap. i called the mommadukes & she wants to hit up abuelita's house, since she just got back from ecuador and all. i'm down- at the very least, there'll definately be food and alcohol. i spent a brief part of this morning exchanging laughably dirty text msg's with chris, so i might even stop by his place later on. frankly, his mom still scares me, so i'm not sure yet. all in all, this day is shaping up to be interesting, to say the least. i'm gonna finish up some laundry and the other half of that pizza, then head out. happy 4th, again, and peace out playas.

this evening brought to you by old english

Fri, 23 Jun 2006 10:19:33 GMT

my little sister turns thirteen today. i've been up all night. there's a can of sparks sitting next to me with one last gross, backwash-y sip left in it. i walked around clifton with scoot and taco for two-and-a-half hours last night. an unfortunate side effect is i can sorta smell myself and i'm sorta appalled. we interrupted our little clifton trek to stop at white castle so i could get a chicken ring w/cheese and a cheeseburger. i just burped and tasted that and orange malt liquor. i have exactly one dollar in my wallet. i've decided i'm going to look into doing amateur internet porn if i don't get accepted for unemployment benefits which, frankly, i doubt i will at this point. i've been out drinking every night this week, but i've managed to come home relatively sober and not wake up the entire house. anything else?

hmm, guess not. the whole stream of consciousness thing apparantly isn't my thing. i'll make a proper update later on. right now i need to throw laundry in the machine, wash the stink of walking around clifton on garbage night off myself, and pass the fuck out. over and out...

party in de ghetto: a true story

Wed, 21 Jun 2006 21:29:38 GMT

so, i went to a houseparty with maria and emelyn last night...wow. let me just start by saying this- i know i like to call *any* party/shindig/clambake/whatever a "party in de ghetto", but last night...well, it really fucking was. like, everything about it was like a parody of what ghettoness actually looks like. there were drunk, underage chicks and dudes crawling all over this house, blasting a rap soundtrack eazyE would have been proud of. at one point, this guy who was basically shitty drunk was dry-humping a girl in booty shorts and hoop earings, while some perky blond playing a guitar on mtv looked on. a couple guys pulled up outside and parked, while we of course joked they were smoking pot. when they finally came in, one of them looked like TI and kept his black sunglasses on, and the other kool-aid-smiled his way through the party barely registering the rough-looking spanish broad who threw her arm around him, shouted "my neezy", and almost knocked me over walking by. i kept thinking some ghetto girl was gonna hear me calling her a ghetto girl and proceed to pull a blade outta her choch, the better to cut me the fuck up. it was too much.

after that trainwreck, we hit up dave's house to witness the extent to which him and marius were drunk. good times. i finally learned how to open a beer bottle against another bottle, a skill i'm sure i'll spend the rest of the summer honing.

hmm...what else, what else?

oh, so saturday was maria's big birthday hoedown in princeton. i think it's safe to say good times were had by all. there ended up being like 15 or so people there and we ended up going to the triumph brewing co. the crowd was random, but the drinks were strong and there were plenty of laughs. after p-town, we came up to one of maria and marius' coworker's for an afterparty of sorts. it was basically a handful of people bullshitting, which was a lowkey end to the night. or, correction, it would have been lowkey had i not taken the task of killing a bottle of malibu. hitting up mickeyD's for some fried breakfast deliciousness was the lowkey end to a long, fun night.

monday, kelly text msg'd me and convinced me to go down to the cottage. as much as i didn't want to, it ended up being worth it. highlights include playing with kelly's sidekick and deciding i need to have one [even if they don't come in hot pink]; getting hit on by a gay guy's mom [i swear, i'm not making it up. if he actually calls, i'm gonna fall over]; mooning people on hazel street around closing time with shenanegans; realizing that classifying a guy covering in tats and the two scantilly clad girls he entered the bar with as "a pimp and two hos" was hilariously rude, yet somewhat accurate. ah, the cottage- what a fucking shit show.

oh, and speaking of, sunday was a royal disaster of fucking epic proportions. danielle decided we should hit up van houten after work and proceeded to get drunk beyond drunk. i guess it's payback for all the times i get rediculously drunk, and the universe is a rotten bitch when it comes to turnaround, but yeah- my sunday night was spent watching that bitch puke in my neighbor's bushes, getting screamed at in the back of a cab that showed up at my house almost an hour late, and laying in bed at 6am trying to have a serious conversation with her while mister smeeg and diesel had a kitty war in the other room. sunday was the. longest. day. ever. it really was.

today's been off to a slow start, but someone wants to get drunk and hang out, which probably really means "make out", so we'll see. i'm pretty sure i'll end up either at the fucking cottage tonight or chilling out with a boy trying to get into his pants. in any event, i'm sure it'll be golden. rock.

random quiz

Sun, 18 Jun 2006 23:20:57 GMT

LJ Interests meme results

billy idol:
billy idol owns your ass. yes, you. even now, he's still doable and if i had a vagina, i would be one of the army of skanks hanging around outside his dressing room hoping to get banged by the hottest rockstar ever.
cap'n crunch:
no real story here, this cereal is just the shiznit.
deer:
ah, deer. there was a time when nothing could cheer me up faster than seeing a couple deer chillin' by the side of the road up on garrett mountain.
george orwell:
best. writer. ever. if you haven't read 1984 or animal farm, you might as well not exist.
internet trash:
a general term for the many websites i waste time on daily, be it ebay, bodyartforms, bmezine, diesel sweeties, myspace, eljay, porn, miniclip, etc...
nihilism:
because everything is essentially worthless, useless, and pointless- why deny it?
pumas:
if they're good enough for the bride to wear while taking out the crazy88, they're good enough for me to wear while getting drunk and stumbling around.
rocking out:
the art of turning the music way up and releasing your inner rockstar. usually done before or while getting ready to go out, although it's completely appropriate to rock out at any time.
slushies:
the sweet nectar of the gods. a good slushie can sometimes salvage even the worst of days.
the food network:
aka, food porn. much like having sex while watching a dirty movie, not much tops eating while watching a cooking show.

Enter your LJ user name, and 10 interests will be selected from your interest list.

maybies can go on forever

Fri, 16 Jun 2006 05:54:06 GMT

today was a really long day, but it was probably one of the most fun i've had in awhile. enough with the questions- let me explain, alright?

so, ingrid woke me up this afternoon- we made plans earlier in the week to do something, but i was up really late bullshitting and it kinda slipped my mind. no worries- her dr's appointment finished up early, so she called me and headed right on over. we ended up at garrett mountain, and being a nice day and all, decided to walk around it.

actually...i'm not quite sure "decided" is really the word. more like, started walking and catching up, and before we knew it, were too far to turn around. it was cool, though. sometimes doing outdoorsy shit, even stupid stuff like going for a walk, is worth it.

we hit up garden state after that, mostly to goof around and talk shit about random people. believe you me, there was no shortage of easy targets there today- woof. sometimes i wonder if people do it on purpose, you know, for my own personal amusement.

daniela called me while i was still hanging out with ingrid and invited me to dinner at her casa. after i got home, d stopped by and we caught up and went back to good old p-town to rent some movies and, of course, for some of her mom's incredibly incredible food. matter of fact- let's just talk about the food for a minute here. i literally ate so much, i had to push myself away from the table with both hands and roll my way into the living room to watch a movie. i tried some new stuff and found it not-so-surprisingly delicious. i actually don't think i've ever eaten at her house and not enjoyed what her mom made. tonight's menu included eggplant parm, spinach/pesto tortolini, some kind of marinated grilled chicken, tzatziki [?] sauce, and this funky strawberry beer d picked up at wine country. i'm still full.

we parked it on the couch and watched big momma's house2, and i laughed my ass off. i swear- mindless comedies own sometimes. we still have to make a date to watch date movie before tuesday. good times, good times.

maria called right after the movie ended 'cause she had just gotten outta work and wanted to go have a birthday drink. she picked me up and we hit chevy's for $2 dolla coronas [holla]. she seems like she's doing better, which is great. she's real excited to head down to princeton saturday for a night of typical drunken debauchery, and truth is i'm souped now, too.

oh, sidebar- so, on the chris-front...much love for each other. we're just better as friends...friends who make out. often. for extended periods of time. and if we ever do get married, bitch expects *me* to cough up a rock. how do i feel about all this? great, actually. to tell the truth, i wouldn't give up what we have for anything. hey- it's like dating, without all the actual shitty dating stuff. who knew?

livin' the life [if not the dream]

Tue, 13 Jun 2006 22:22:51 GMT

wow...has it really been a year- where the fuck has time gone? how is this thing still even up and running? why am i asking so many questions?

so...where to start? do i sense a list coming on?...

[1] i've said it before, and i'm sure i'll say it again, but as much as things have changed this past year, most things are still the same.
[1b] aka, i'm still an alcoholic, still neurotic, still unsure, still longing for something just outside my reach...you know, still struggling with the same issues as always. that, i guess, never will change.
[2] i re-read a lot of my old entries, and damn...i've definately become a lot nicer. really- i have.
[3] hmm...on the man-front...well, the victor saga has begun and ended, and i guess i'm no worse for the wear. there were some good times mixed in with the shitty ones, and i don't really regret any of it. obviously, i'm not thrilled we're not friends anymore, but what are you gonna do? you gotta give some things up if you're ever gonna get anywhere.
[4] i'm unemployed and it fucking blows. it's been so long since i've been jobless that i quite literally can't handle it. plans are in the works for taking care of this.
[5] my family still drives me to drink. now, i'm just more open about telling them this. it's a good and bad thing.
[6] new piercings- septum and lip. the navel's been out, this time probably for good. the tattoo project is still in the works. more as it develops...
[7] the circle has extended, shrunk, extended, and collapsed countless times since last august. currently, there's maybe five or six people on the inside and a dozen or so hovering close to it. i'm okay with that most days.
[8] this is a strange one- i haven't been bottom of the barrel depressed in a couple months now. i've hung out close to the brink, but ultimately, i haven't had the time or the energy to devote to being completely miserable. that's a total thumbs-up situation, if you ask me.
[9] i'll be twenty-fucking-two in about a month and a half. how did that happen?
[10] i kissed two boys and a girl at a houseparty last week. needless to say, it was the highlight of the summer so far.
[11] "i used to fuck people like you in prison" is one of my new favorite catchphrases. possibly ever. it's just that good.
[12] i hereby promise to keep updating this at least for the duration of the summer.

.... . . ... ... .. .. . .... .. . .. .... ........ .. .... .. ... .

yeah, so that's me in a nutshell for the past twelve months. you know, life doesn't seem quite so mundane or rediculous until you're forced to sum it all up in a couple bulletpoints in an eljay. go figure. holla. at. ya. boy. soon, okay?

[mostly] honest mistakes

Wed, 24 Aug 2005 22:13:37 GMT

[1] i'm twenty one.
[1b] so far, it hasn't been what i guess i expected.
[1c] i'm not sure how i feel about it anymore.
[2] this is probably the third time in the past two or three months i've attempted to update.
[2b] i started, but never finished- or posted- those other entries.
[3] i'm taking a break from speaking to danielle, my brother, his girlfriend, and a few other people i can't handle much of anymore.
[4] daniela [referred to as "funky" from now on] wants to go to amsterdam for a couple days in january.
[4b] after this month is over, i'm getting serious about saving money again- i need a vacation.
[5] i went to the loop lounge for the first time saturday.
[5b] i started talking to victor.
[5c] life was amazing for a couple hours saturday night.
[6] this summer definately feels shorter than last.
[7] i'm going to see the used next week.
[7b] the drunk pit is going to fucking own.
[8] i miss that one week a couple months ago when everything was easy and uncomplicated.
[8b] i think i was just really, really fucked up for a week-solid. either way.
[9] i need a better second job.
[10] someone needs to tell me what to do with my life.
[10b] in case you haven't already noticed- i'm a fucking trainwreck.

...... .. . .. . . ... . .... . . . .. . . ... . . .. . .. .. .

summer's almost over- where'd it go? in my mind, it's still may and i'm still wondering what sorta summer it'll end up being. i guess this summer was okay. it's still too soon to tell. i feel like it needs to be september before i can really decide how i felt about the past few months.

anyway, things are going...well...tentatively. everything seems to be delicately balanced right now and waiting for the next big incident to come along and fuck everything up again. obviously, i'm thinking real positive these days. i'm nervous, anxious, confused...i feel like i'm drowning. it's funny- i know i've been more depressed than this, but i can't remember ever being so scared. as much as i like to think things will sort themselves out, i'm not so sure this time. it feels like there's a lot of shit going on and not nearly enough explanations, or at least not nearly as many as i'd prefer.

in any event, i think i'm back. now that summer is coming to a close and people are going back to school and shit, i'm fairly sure things are going to calm down in the couple weeks. let's see how things go- maybe the answers that i want are in the questions that i...nevermind. you know what i mean. later.

Thu, 19 May 2005 04:18:01 GMT

i can always think of stuff i should probably write at random intervals during any given day, but when it comes time to actually sit down and do it...well, that's where things get dicey. witness the complete lack of updates for the past month. what's gone on? who knows...who really knows?

for starters, i've been good with the smoking thing. i went from a pack a day to nothing, overnight. i've had a total of five cigarettes in the past three weeks- not great, but not bad. i'm not gonna worry about it. the more time goes by, the more comfortable i get with the idea of not needing nicotine. give me another month and i won't even be sneaking the occassional puff here and there.

me and antonio have gone our separate ways. there were a lot of reasons, most of which i refuse to get into, but suffice to say it just wasn't going to work out. true to form, i hermitted up for a week but i'm over it now. i can't even say i was bitter or depressed, or even all that surprised. i just sort of looked at breaking up as inevitable- even when things are going okay, it's still always a matter of when they'll go back to normal and fall apart. i guess that's a side effect of wanting something without bothering to give thought to who or why. there'll be someone new- there always is. if it takes a month or a year, someone will eventually come along and this whole mess will start itself up again. sooner or later, it will end the same way it always does. i've pretty much come to accept this as fact- it takes away a certain element of surprise. i guess i'm just waiting for someone to come along and prove me wrong. i'm not bitter enough to think it'll never happen, anymore. maybe i'm getting better at all this.

.... ... . . .... .. . .....

yeah, maybe not. anyway...

i saw nico the day after my last entry- we met up in the city like we've been saying we were gonna do for ages now. it was a great time. of course, just because the universe is hellbent on seeing me uncomfortable, chris somehow ended up meeting us there. you know, it actually might not have been that bad, had we not decided to go to sushi samba and get tanked. correction- nico and i got tanked. chris and amy ate, then left to go pick up men by the piers. after a series of mojitos and cipirinhas, nico produced a roach from her purse and we wandered towards the pier getting more and more bent. alan [yeah, the kid i went to crapi with] was there. it really couldn't have gotten any more awkward or random. like...really. by the time nico and me finally caught back up with chris and amy, we were both really wasted. nico and amy went hunting for a bathroom, leaving me and chris alone to argue briefly- or maybe it was just me asking chris why he always has to be such a fucking dick. either way, chris and amy headed home and nico and i went to burritoville for margaritas and tacos. it was pretty much the perfect end to the day.

speaking of reunions and such, i went down to maryland to visit daniela last month, too. for reasons still unknown to me, danielle tagged along, which led to the usual problems. cutting out all of those less-than-savory parts, the trip was cool. i really miss hanging out with daniela- i can't wait 'til she gets home from school. the trip to MD was a nice diversion from everything that's become so routine about life around here.

what else, what else? basically, i've taken couch surfing to a new level- if i'm not home watching movies, i'm home online, home eating, or home doing some combination of the three. i've been shopping online, for chrissakes. i really just have no desire left to go out and get hammered all the time anymore. i'm a really shitty drunk, especially when i have a lot on my mind, and it's not fun having to be told what happened the night before. i'm going to give it a rest until i'm actually legal- a little over two months at this point. i can't believe i'll be twenty one pretty soon. i know i technically am, but i honestly couldn't feel any less like an adult that i do at this point. i feel like it's time to really get to work. what the hell am i going to do with myself for the next couple years? i was thinking about it today at work and i still have no idea. i mean, i definately don't want to be around here four or five years from now, but i can't picture myself anywhere else. talk about falling into a rut. how sad is it when jersey is the pinnacle of your travels and world experience, not even by choice but through your own laziness and hesitation to try anything new? it scares the shit out of me every day to think it just might end up like that. fuckin' a.

can we just talk about how much easier it is to think negatively at night for a minute? jesus h. christ. i had an amazing dream the other night [obviously about sex, because what else would i have a good dream about?], and just when it was starting to transition from amazing to hot-damn!, i woke up. of course when i tried to go back to sleep, the only thing i could dream about was being lost and late for some work-related party. bad enough i have to see those fucking people all day long, all week long, now i can't even have my first decent wet dream since age twelve without being interrupted. is it me? i need a vacation...somewhere with white sand, palm trees, and drinks with those stupid little paper umbrellas.

i'll say this much, though- at least it's almost summer. everything's a little easier to handle when the sun's shining and the air is warm. almost there, almost there...

Tue, 19 Apr 2005 06:10:40 GMT

saturday ended up being rather...peculiar. allow me to explain.

antone wanted to go to the movies after work, so i ordered tickets for the amityville horror remake online and we headed to the commons. i wore that flashing beltbuckle, so my crotch was pretty much the center of attention the whole night. i kept feeling really trashy and rude because families would walk by and the kids would be staring at the banner while their parents gave me dirty looks and tried to usher them by- guess "bad motherfucker" isn't exactly a kid-friendly sentiment to have lit up and scrolling across your junk. the movie was good, though, and afterwards we hit up chevy's for a couple burritos and a little decision-making. it was after 11:30 when i suggested the city...and getting our nipples pierced. ant had said something to me about always wanting to get it done, so just to push him a little, i told him i would get mine done if he got his. i figured, hey- it's saturday, we don't have any other plans. why not go into the city and get it done now? of course, he couldn't turn down a dare, so we went.

we ended up at some little place in the village with a wall o' pipes- for tobacco use only, of course. i went first and, honestly, it really didn't hurt. it was weird getting pierced in front of so many people- a girl getting a tattoo around her bellybutton, two of her friends, two random girls who wandered into the shop from the street to look at body jewelry, antone, the guy at the register, and some dude who i assumed also worked there who was standing in the doorway smoking a cigarette. luckily, i have no shame or class, so up my shirt went and this guy with huge lobes and a pierced bridge did me up. i have a 14g hoop with a dark grey ball thru my left one now, and it basically just felt like someone pinching it. unfortunately, antonio's experience wasn't as uneventful as mine. big-lobe-pierced-bridge dude accidentally bent the hoop as he was putting it in, so after five minutes of him trying to fix it, the guy at the register threw on some gloves and stepped in to try his hand. i thought antonio was going to kill me. his face was really pained and pale and every time he looked at me i felt like he was minutes away from stabbing me with the piercing needle. his is still a lot more sensitive than mine, but i guess i'm sort of used to the piercing thing at this point. go figure.

we left that joint and wandered around the village for awhile before heading back to jersey. we were going to meet up with danielle at darby's, but for some reason rt3 was closed heading into clifton so we just went back to antone's and crashed.

yesterday, i went to a street fair with ali and sharlene in little falls when i got home. it was such an amazing day- summer is getting closer every day. i can't fucking wait. we went to sportsworld after and hung out for awhile. it was a fun day. i ended up going to neighbors last night with ant, duke, and becky. scott and eric met up, and we all had a few and caught up on shit. i got drunk for the first time in a hot minute and stayed by antone's again. it was a good time.

today was pretty quiet. i had to close at the mall, but i worked with lacy so it wasn't so bad. diner mikey's birthday was today, so danielle picked me up from work and we were planning on going by some bar to meet up with him and some people. i ended up not going, but no one was there when danielle showed up, so she picked me back up and we drove around bullshitting for awhile before heading home again. i actually just got off the phone with kimG a little while ago- she was gonna hang with mikey tonight, too. it was a weird night- i sorta felt like drinking, but me and danielle were so out of it we decided not to push it. maybe that's us showing some self-control, or whatever the fuck you call it. who knows?

i'm supposed to meet up with nico in the city tomorrow- amazing. we've been talking about hanging out for so long, it would be crazy if we actually did. i'm excited. if anything, she said she'd call me when she gets outta work, so we'll see. i don't have work tomorrow, so i'm planning on sleeping in and catching up on laundry and some random shit i need to get done around the house. it's a little late, but i definately need to do some spring cleaning. let's see how far i get with that one.

oddly enough, it's just after two and i already feel beat. damn, i'm getting old. it's bad enough i downloaded celebrity skin today and felt a wave of nostalgia for junior high- my life is turning into a depends ad. sigh.......i'm going to bed.

the return

Thu, 14 Apr 2005 18:32:26 GMT

jesus. h. christ.

so, my computer is finally fixed. sometime soon after my last entry, the computer decided not to turn on when you hit the power button. two months later, my dad decided to look into the matter. nothing like efficiency, huh?

i wish i could say a lot has happened, but you know how it is- the more you try to remember what's really changed in any given period of time, the harder it is. a couple things are different now though, so in the interest of saving my wrists from the carpal tunnel that cleared up these past few computerless months, i'm listing this update. ready?

[1] i started dating a boy. wait...allow me to rephrase that. i started dating a really nice boy. his name is antonio and he actually makes me sort of giddy. it's refreshing. april 8th is the day it became official, even though it technically started before then. suffice to say, i'm happy about it. who'd a thunk it?

[2] work [hairworks, notsomuch h/t] has been pretty up-'n-down these past couple months. not to say there were [many] catfights or anything, but there were definately days i'm sure clients were afraid to leave any of us around the razors unattended. i guess it probably has a lot to do with the fact that i'm a bitchy gay man working with a group of bitchy straight girls. the endless hours of "does this make me look fat/how many calories are in ___/what should i say to my boyfriend when he gets back out of jail?" truthfully started making me want to gouge my eardrums with a tailcomb...the kind with the metal point...but anyway, we all eventually reached an understanding- we're all there for the same basic reason. money. i can now say i enjoy the people i work with, if not because we worked out our issues and moved on, then simply because i tend to ignore everything other than "matt, here's your check." even with all the murky drama swirling in the dress barn/hollywood tans/hair works/wine country liquor city parking lot, i can proudly say i'm not a part of it. it works for me.

[3] danielle and i were married for a very brief period of time. actually, that probably started before the computer meltdown, but i can't really pinpoint when. all i know is our knockdown, dragout drunken fights became pretty much legendary throughout the greater clifton area. we argued like geriatric spouses outside of bars, in her old ride, in front of my house- there seemed no limit to where, or how loud, we would brawl. thankfully, we've cooled down. i think it's a combination of us deciding to conserve money, not get shitfaced six days a week, her getting a new car which we haven't been drinking 40's in bi-nightly, and the simple fact that it was creeping us out how much we were starting to act like our parents. shudder.

[4] i started hanging out with my brother again these past couple weeks. we have this weird thing where we'll hardly speak for six, seven months at a time then all of a sudden hang out weekly for anywhere between one to three months. apparantly, this is one of those "on" times. i wish i could explain why we're so strange, but i think it just boils down to us knowing our limits.

[5] my ears are at their final gauge- 7/16". yeah...i never thought i'd go this big, but i figured what the hell. when i take the jewelry out, the holes don't really look all that big anyway. i'm sure there'll be plenty of saggy-lobed oldsters shuffling around when i'm a bag of bones where i won't feel peculiar if my ears don't end up closing, anyway. i seriously think i'm gonna save up for those tunnels with the crystals all around the edges. honestly now- how tacky can i get before someone tells me to stop? i love it.

[6] in the grand tradition of me, i'm sick. i've basically been slowly dying for the past week and a half, give or take. it started as a sore throat, but pretty soon the usual symptoms came around- runny nose, headache, pinkeye. yes. motherfucking pinkeye. how, you ask? beats the hell out of me, particularly since i got it on day three of being bedridden. read that again if it doesn't make any sense. i don't quite understand it myself, but it would appear i somehow gave myself pinkeye. i'm fucking flabberghasted. i went to the dr and he pretty much told me he wants to rip me apart and tear out my tonsils. i have to get my insurance through the salon and then- ouch. he gave me some antibiotics, which usually do the trick, so i can go back to work tomorrow. i saw the doctor yesterday, after five or so days of self-medicating and still feeling like hammered shit, and already i feel better. modern medicine- fucking amazing, i tell you.

[7] last, but certainly not least, i'm glad to say the long running fued between myself and kimG has finally come to an end. actually, the end came about a month ago, give or take. it was just time. things were tentative at first, but everything seems to be all good now. probably just a case of needing some time away to let the steam blow off. definately happy to be done with that.

---

so, i think that's pretty much it. i guess a lot has happened since that last entry, way back in february. who knew? now that i have a steady i-net connection, i'm sure i'll be back on the way to regular entries in no time. lata.

newsflash- nj falls into the atlantic...

Fri, 04 Feb 2005 08:36:54 GMT

i think i want to get my septum pierced.

i'm losing my mind. just as well, though. everyone i know is insane- everyone. i used to think it was just the people i hated, but the more i look around the more i become aware that every last person i know right now is completely certifiable. sometimes, like earlier this evening, it really pisses me off. right now, i'm sort of apathetic about it. i'm sure if left to their own devices, everyone will sort out their own shit.

or, they'll just kill themselves and/or each other. either way, this bitch has to work too much to get way extracurricular about it. the only things i seem to have time for lately are work, food, drugs, and [every once in awhile] sleep. extras, like a real social life, have been pretty optional this week. i'm actually okay with that- fuck it, man. the less interaction i have outside of work the better. i just can't force myself to be nice to anyone if i'm not being paid to do so anymore. call it a character flaw.

anyway, back to the top of the page- septum. me. pierced. i'm thinking about it. i think i'm over the monroe thing- i like the look of it, but i would really hate to have yet another scar on my face. i'm pretty sure that's why i haven't gotten my lip pierced either. it's not like i'm winning any beauty contests or anything, but shit- hasn't my face been through enough? look at it, for chrissakes.

i'm on another one of those i-need-to-start-dressing-better kicks. it's courtney's fault- she bought me a really nice sweater for christmas and i felt bad 'cause i didn't really have anything nice to wear it with. after the exercise machine and the bills, i'm gonna have to go on a major shopping spree. the Spring Goals gotta get posted soon. it's just about time to start putting that shit into effect.

i think the last of this fuckin' winter depression is working its way out of my system. let me get through vday and i'll be fine- i'm not sure if my original, or even second, plans are still going on, but i plan on getting hammered to the point where i forget why i'm even getting hammered. nothing chases away the blues like a depressant, or so they say. let's find out, shall we?

...ever wonder if it's all for you?

Tue, 25 Jan 2005 11:00:35 GMT

updating in list-form is kind of a cheesy copout, but hell- i can't fucking think of a better way to throw all this randomness into one entry. deal, bitches.

1 finally cashed my check today. round two [the bank] comes tomorrow.

1 helped duke on and off for most of the afternoon/night with the moving thing. i swear, most exercise i've had in ages.

1 finally got around to visiting eddie at work.
1 a cute coworker tried to mack it.
1 the cute coworker "will be 18 in a couple months."
1 they definately didn't build 'em like that when i was 17. damn..

1 worked 7-10 at h/t tonight- shortest. shift. EVER. at one point i was drinking a weightgain shake from gnc, dana was playing a pinball game she found on the computer, and we were rocking out to DeeLite. it was the most un-h/t experience ever. not gonna lie- it was good times.

1 took a break from helping duke at her 'rents and went to the diner.
1 i hate running into people i know dislike me, who know i dislike them, who still insist on being tools and trying to say hi. what a waste of both of our time. i need a tshirt that says "don't bother" on the front and "thanks" on the back. it would make life so much easier.
1 speaking of her parents' house, i got in trouble the other day for saying "fuck" really loud. actually, it was more in the context of duke saying something smart to me and me telling her to fuck herself. apparantly, there's no cursing allowed there. =\ could my face be more skeptical?

1 i downloaded a few more ringtones tonight- notably All 'N My Grill, for those people who call off the fucking hook; Like Whoa, for my homies; and Work It, for my chickenhead ass bitches. word to your mother, yo.

alright, so the goal is to be in bed and asleep by the time the sun comes up. it's a race- fuck you, sunrise, i'm winning this shit. laters.

072684

Thu, 20 Jan 2005 23:30:45 GMT

jug wine. cheap beer. chaos.

that was last week. hell, that was the beginning of this week.

i got outta work early today 'cause i gave D some of my hours. my family went food shipping again today, which kinda sucks because i've been going the NODD thing today. granted, i still tore that shit up- turkey bacon is the shiznit.

anyway, NODD is not one damn dime. it's some anti bush measure victor bulletin'd on myspace- it basically called for a boycott on consumerism to protest bush's innauguration. i'm totally down for a protest where i don't have to make gay signs and march around like a tool. i lost my smokes and my keys last night, but i haven't really been in the mood for one. lately, i can take 'em or leave 'em. i could probably quit, if i was motivated to do so. eh...what are ya gonna do?

my vday plans have changed from e and booze to e and elle. or maybe not. maybe i'll just drink a jug and skip the ecstasy. it's been this long- why not just keep it going?

nico has an eljay now. i made it look all purty-like and stuff for her. i need to update my profile, but i'm too fucking lazy. next week, definately.

speaking of procrastination, i have yet to work out in '05. fuck it, man- life's too short.



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so this is the new year

Fri, 07 Jan 2005 09:29:35 GMT

i started off the new year drunk and arguing with my mom. new year? seems like another 12 months of the same shit to me.

someone mentioned valentine's day at work and i wanted to go home and slip into a warm razorblade bath.

i bumped into jeremy and matt at tick tock tonight. it was one of the first sightings in recent memory that hasn't made me want to cringe and hide.

listening to summer songs in the dead of winter is too depressing for words.

dollar pints and two buck cup nights are the only thing keeping me going.

i'm calling the mall mack tomorrow. i really am.

the gin blossoms, weezer, and liz phair are my emo soundtrack of the moment.

i got my bellybutton pierced again on tuesday night. let's see how long it lasts.

jill left. her going away party was amazing. i'm really gonna miss her.

"i don't mean to offend" and "what goes on?" are my current favorite catchphrases.

the w/l project is starting to sound serious. i'm totally down. this could be how things are meant to work out.

i'll never be able to let it go- any of it. it's scary how i miss something so bad for me. my only resolution this year is to never let myself get so deep without really thinking about the consequences first. i may have made it back before, but i don't think i can take it again.

damn, i want to fall in love again.

driving around clifton late at night makes me ache. why is that? can someone promise me i'll get out of this town in one piece?

becky's probably going to pick me up saturday to go. i don't really want to, but i promised. it might be fun...but i'm not gonna expect much. maybe it'll be less disappointing that way.

good riddance to a shitty year- fuck you, 2004. you weren't good for anything.

if i don't fall asleep soon, i'm just going to get worse. like...a lot.

god, i need a xanax.

there's still tomorrow

Thu, 30 Dec 2004 08:19:06 GMT

[1] i'm sick.
[2] daniela is finally home.
[3] i hate my day job.
[4] i did something stupid the other night...again.
[5] i missed joe's party last night and courtney's birthday tonight 'cause i physically couldn't get out of bed.
[5b] fevers, aches, pains, coughs, and sniffles blow.
[6] my tongue barbell broke at work today while i was on the phone with d.
[7] i put clear glass tunnels in my ears. eat it, hellworks.
[8] i did laundry monday and forgot it was still in the machine until tonight.
[8b] clothes left in the machine too long start to smell really bad.
[8c] my UsED hat melted a little. i need a new fucking hat now.
[9] christmas'04 sucked. i'm just guessing, but new year's will suck, too.
[10] this week is going by so. fucking. slow. someone, please speed it up.

anyone with good new year's eve plans, step to the front of the line- i'll be out of work by 4. laters.

strange, 'cause i feel the same..

Sun, 26 Dec 2004 07:29:01 GMT

christmas is finally over- now it's just a waiting game for the new year to pass. considering i never get to kiss anyone good and last year i actually stayed sober, i'm not really looking forward to new year's eve or anything. d should be coming home on the 28th, so i'm gonna go by her house on new year's day and hang out- i can't believe she's been gone so long. it feels like she left a couple days ago, but it's definately been months. i've missed her, like, incredibly. where the fuck is time running off to? i remember 2001 and 2002 taking FOREVER to end- '04 doesn't even feel real anymore. everything that happened this year has melted into a really ugly, really horrible collage. what bullshit. should i even say it? "maybe this year will be better than the last". right.

anyway, i gots a new celly on christmas eve- and it only took 23498613 years and almost 200 damn dollars. i can't even say i'm that pissed off about it anymore, 'cause i've definately been going crazy downloading ringtones and taking pictures and shit all day. i feel like i've officially been ushered into the new millenium, having traded in my old-school green & black gameboy display with mono ringtones for something shiny and color and purty. i'm such a little kid when it comes to this shit. i think the best ringtones i found so far are Push It by Salt-n-Pepa for jen, The Beer Song by Reel Big Fish for duke, the btvs theme for nicole, Down Ass Bitch by Ja Rule for maria, and La La La [Excuse Me Miss, Again] by JayZ for everyone. free shit rocks my cock, man. you didn't think i'd pay for all that, did you?? c'mon now...

speaking of, ali said he'll help me pay for my tattoo as a christmas present- sweet. i figure i'll get it done sometime in january, february by the latest. even though i'm sure i won't stick to any of them, it's about that time of year when i start thinking about new year's resolutions. i think i'll keep it simple this year- work out once a week, cut down to one pack every other day, save at least $50 a week, figure out how to get the fuck outta this state sometime within the foreseable future- or at the very *very* least, find a way to cope with being here. easy enough, right? we'll see.

call me crazy, but i had one of those weird dreams not too long ago- weird because i dreamt i was older and still living around here and it *didn't* make me want to gut myself with a paring knife. of course, it wouldn't be a weird dream if there wasn't other strange stuff going on, but suddenly it didn't seem so awful. who knows? maybe jersey will end up growing on me after all. i wouldn't place any bets on it just yet, though.

i stretched to a 0ga in both ears tonight. i think i'm done stretching...for now. i didn't realize how big 0 is until they were actually in. i like 'em and all but, whoa. i'm thinking about getting a second hole put in my right ear, partially because it's a little off-center compared to the left one and also 'cause i saw these really hot crystal chanel knockoff studs at the mall when i went christmas shopping with jen last week. maybe tim was right- i *am* pretty tacky. fuck it, though- i'll be that. i like to think i'm good at it.

what else, what else? i think everything else is alright. work is work, friends are friends, family is...well, you get the picture. i've been having these really bad mood swings, but i mostly hole up in the basement and have a few smokes or go out with duke and the crew and toss back a few drinks. whatever works. last week we ended up at a mafia-run afterhours bar in paterson at 3am and a boy showed me and tam his pierced junk. i mean, i'll be the first to admit i sometimes have no idea what goes on in my life, but damnit- sometimes it's pretty damn funny.

so, with post-christmas visions of pierced wangs and gauged ears dancing in my head, i think i'm gonna turn in. i'm pretty sure i have to work at h/t tomorrow, but i dunno what time i'm supposed to be there. should be fun. oh well- mahalo. i'm out.

Fri, 17 Dec 2004 04:25:41 GMT

i just might be able to finish up my christmas shopping next week- probably on tuesday, 'cause the salon is gonna be open monday. i can't wait to be done with that shit so i can relax and enjoy the fucking season. hohoho. blah.

i got my aunt a candle set for her birthday today- it was two jar-candles in a red leather basket with a big bow from yankee or whitebarn candle or whatever that candle place at willowbrook is called. i already banged out presents for my mom, aunt, danielle, missy, jackie, and maria. i'm halfway there for daniela and courtney- native art had some cool stuff the last time i was there. i saw some lanterns i really want, but i was good and held off. i really hope i get loot this year, 'cause i've been planning how i'm going to spend it for the past three months. fingers crossed...

the pj party is this weekend- elle has me pretty souped. i'm sure i'll see at least 123986 people i'd rather not, but at least i'll be shitfaced. i call it a draw. i gotta buy some slippers, or some pj pants from old navy at the very least- what a gay theme for a party. surprise, surprise i guess considering it's for a gay man, thrown by a gay man, with plenty of gay men attending. ugh...if it wasn't for the open bar...the lengths i'll go to just to get trashed.

i saw ali today and he *didn't* piss me off. i feel bad for not getting him anything for christmas. life's a bitch, huh? if i can find something he would like that won't break my bank account, maybe i'll reconsider. otherwise- spin off, homes.

it's barely after 11 and i'm already tired. will i make it to work on time tomorrow? will i suddenly catch that ellusive second wind i can never seem to get while i'm actually at work and end up awake for the next five hours? we'll see, children, we'll see..